5 Reasons I know I’m done having babies
1. Pregnancy was exhausting for me
Of course you gain all that weight, lose stamina and sense of balance as your body goes through the changes of pregnancy, but every woman handles it differently. Maybe it’s body type, overall health, or how much you push yourself. For me, my job relied on me to be on my feet all day right to the point where I had to take an EARLY leave. Both times!
The second time was during COVID where masks are on all day and as if I wasn’t sweaty and tired already, add a mask and I was suffocating. I could barely keep up the work load of one client in my chair, let alone an 8 hour day. It was just so exhausting and I couldn’t have gotten through it quickly enough.
2. I didn’t handle the newborn phase well at all
When I had Isabella, the first few weeks were spent adjusting to a whole new life with a newborn and a 5 year old. The months we spent trying to conceive our second baby, I definitely wasn’t thinking about how different life would actually be with a new baby. Well it was hard damnit! So hard, that I couldn’t focus on anything else, like the rest of my family. I didn’t know how. I didn’t have any clue how to balance any of it. Even Jackson was hard to deal with, I didn’t know how to do all our regular “mommy and son” activities and it was like I was living life with blurry goggles. Finding time to clean, cook, bond with my husband and child, plan anything, was all put on a high shelf out of reach. The newborn stage took me by surprise as if it was all new, because it definitely was. I didn’t handle it the way I hoped I would. And I never want to do that to myself or my family again.
3. I wasn’t prepared for how sleepless nights would effect me
Somehow I thought I would be loving and sympathetic of my baby waking me in the night. At first it wasn’t so bad, Isabella slept fairly well beside me in my bed, swaddled, and cozy. We stayed laying down to nurse back to sleep and that was that. By the time she was 4 months, she wanted to roll, un-swaddle herself and not know how to fall back to sleep. Nursing stopped working to put her to sleep in the night and I was getting maybe 4 hours of sleep myself. After 3am, I was lucky to get any sleep at all. I was starting to get resentful that I had to actually get myself out of bed and re-swaddle her and walk around the room to get her sleepy again. I thought my life was now over when it came to sleep and I was sliding down into a sadness that no mommy wants to feel. I couldn’t deal with it, and I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. At 6 months old, Isabella was sleep trained and since then, nights have been bliss!
4. I’m already trying to get rid of baby stuff
As soon as Isabella grows out of a size, those jammies, diaper shirts, leggings, socks, all of it is put in a bin in her closet, and ready to pass on to another new mama. I always know someone who needs them, babies are born into families every year it seems, and being in a small town, I’m able to keep tabs on any mama in need of baby things. Even Jackson’s clothes have been getting passed on for years, anything he hasn’t put holes in or stained. I’m not very sentimental with clothes, I don’t know why. But I have no intentions on keeping anything. Well maybe specially-made items, a newborn diaper and the hospital bracelet from birth. Those things will be placed in a shadow box like I did for Jackson.
5. I’m not sad at all about the baby phase ending
Life goes fast, especially with babies. Today when I look at Jackson, who’s 6 years old, I can’t believe how tall he is and how amazing his conversations are. Just before COVID hit, he was a little kindergartener who loved paw patrol, Lightening McQueen and didn’t over analyze his clothes. That was only 2 years ago!
Isabella is already almost 1 year old. Her first year is over, and soon she’ll be walking and starting daycare. Am I going to miss that infant stage? No!!! I was in survival mode. Will I always look back at memories of baby snuggles and cute little sounds she makes, and all the firsts she went through that made all of us laugh and cheer? Absolutely!!! It’s a blip in time that will be gone and we will never see again, but I’m so excited to raise her and teach her new things, as she grows into a little person.
Looking back, I don’t think I’m that mom who loves babies, I went through a period of feeling burdened and as awful as that sounds to a lot of you, we don’t all love motherhood at first. Whether it’s the work load, the loneliness, the shock of lifestyle change, or the anxiety. I’m just not cut out for babies I guess, and thank goodness it doesn’t last long at all.