Heartbreak: infertility and miscarriage 

Many women will find this a touchy subject because, it is. It’s a conversation that’s hard to have when you’ve been through either or both of these situations. To be perfectly honest, I have gone through BOTH. And I was surprised to learn how common they both are. 

Everyone’s situation is completely different. And maybe we all handle it differently too, but I hope no one is ever made to feel like they aren’t handling it right. Grief is grief. 

My story

Conceiving Jackson, I’ll admit, was a surprise and I never imagined wanting to go through another pregnancy or birth ever again. Both parts were hard, then came motherhood, and that was even harder for me. It was a very rough adjustment and looking back, I still don’t know how else I would have done things. When Jackson was 2 years old, we knew we wanted to grow our family, for many reasons. 1. I knew Jackson longed for a sibling, all his friends were turning into big brothers and sisters. 2. I wanted him to have someone. Someone he could play with, grow up with, someone to teach things to, someone to protect and watch grow up before his eyes. 3. I had always pictured myself having 2 kids all my life, especially having a little girl. So naturally there was nothing stopping us. Until… biology happened!

We started “trying” when Jackson was almost 2.5 years old, in hopes that the kids wouldn’t be too far apart in age. I didn’t expect it to take more than a few months because of how easy it was to make Jackson. You line up the timing with ovulation and bam! Baby! Right? Easy. 

So months turned into a year, and a year turned into a few years. Each month was hopeful, the pregnancy test would be Negative, and the hope faded away. It was getting to be heartbreaking. We were doing all the right things, we thought. 

Was it my diet? Was it stress? Was it my body, or his body? It was impossible to know. It just wasn’t happening for us. 

And then, May 2019, it happened! Positive pregnancy test, right on Mother’s Day!

But one week later, miscarriage. 

We tried again. And again. And again. Finally September 2019, it happened again! Positive pregnancy test, no signs of miscarriage for the first 12 weeks! 

Until my 12 week scan for the due date. I knew something wasn’t right, and went home feeling worried and nervous. That night at dinner time, I got a call from my family doctor with some bad news… she had a hard time telling me but eventually said, the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was experiencing a delayed miscarriage, where your body hasn’t rejected the embryo for whatever reason. I was pretty devastated, Tristan was away for work that week, so I sat on my bed after the phone call ended and sobbed. Jackson walked in and passed me a tissue and hugged me. He has such a big heart. He was 4 years old, so he wasn’t sure why mommy was crying. I just hugged him close and he comforted me. I had no choice but to call Tristan in North Bay, with the news. It was so hard on him too, and couldn’t work the next day. 

I told my boss the next morning because I didn’t know if I could get through my day, and I knew she’d understand. I might have taken a few days off after that, but I don’t remember…

I went to my OB for options, to either have a “d and c” (dilation and curettage) or a prescribed pill that helps your body initiate bleeding. It sounds awful! But it is what it is. So I didn’t fill that prescription because I wanted to give my body time to do it’s natural thing. 

Then that Saturday, I had worked a full day with no indication yet of an actual miscarriage. But that night, after I put Jackson to bed, I started to bleed. I spent the entire night in and out of my bathroom, from the toilet to my bed, and I did this all alone. I accepted what was happening and stayed strong, I just wanted my body to get through it. 

By morning, it was over. Thank goodness Jackson slept all night long in his own room, because he often would climb into my bed while daddy was away. 

By sun up, I was pale as a ghost, had no energy, and missed a full nights sleep. Luckily it was Sunday and me and Jackson could just relax all day. I explained that mommy didn’t feel too well so he was so good and didn’t require a lot of my attention. I really needed my rest. 

I went back to work that Tuesday morning, still weak from blood loss, but I knew I needed the distraction of work. I couldn’t stay home and dwell over things, it just doesn’t help. So off to work I went, did my best, and was exhausted by 5pm. It took me over a week to feel physically good again, and regain energy. 

After

After this loss, I decided that something about “trying” just wasn’t working. I was so stressed, so hard on myself, never satisfied not to have answers, so that was it. I gave up. I focussed on my sweet Jackson and made my peace with one child. He was 4 years old, and I wanted to enjoy every minute. 

By March 2020, COVID shut us down, by June, I could return to work. Instead I decided to stay home with Jackson, since summer was coming and I wanted to be with him. After all, when would I ever get this time back with him? 

July came, I was relaxed and at peace with life and then I missed my period. I bet you think I rushed to a pregnancy test! This time, I didn’t. I didn’t want the anticipation and stress of that test. So I left it alone, knowing very well, I didn’t even need to take any tests. Weeks flew by and no period. And I just knew. I called my family doctor, booked an appointment, and she confirmed it. Pregnant!

Scared to death!

This pregnancy kept me on eggshells, and you can imagine why. I’ve been here before: so excited, until it was gone. I would check every pee break if I was losing it. The morning sickness at 7 weeks was refreshing and awful, but that meant something amazing was happening inside me. My bump grew, the sickness subsided, and Isabella came in March 2021! 

She was exactly who I hoped for, prayed for and cried for. She’s who I’ve been waiting for all this time, and as hard as adjusting was with her, I remind myself everyday that I wanted her so damn bad! And I worked so hard to have her! Now she’s here and we are all in love with her. 

Looking back 

As much as I was told by everyone that “it will happen”, I still couldn’t believe it would. I thought my body was failing me and it wasn’t meant to be. For a lot of women, maybe it just doesn’t work out, and for that, I’m deeply broken for you. It’s a tough conclusion to make. There are many women who go most of their lives unable to conceive or keep a pregnancy, and one day it just happens and somehow there’s the perfect formula for making a baby. 

I’ll never know why it took so long to conceive the second time, maybe stress? Timing? Why did I miscarry twice? It just happens. No one is at fault. Nothing was wrong with either of us. 

For the majority of us, we are healthy people who don’t need medical intervention to conceive or carry a healthy baby. But nature is so complex, if something isn’t right, most of the time our bodies know it. If you think there might be something wrong and are taking over 6 months to conceive, it doesn’t hurt to talk to your doctor and run some routine checks. If it will give you peace of mind, I say, Go for it. Often, when you let go of the stress, and live your life, it happens. I don’t regret worrying all those months because it just made me want another baby more and more. Once Isabella came, I reminded myself how badly I wanted her and how lucky I am that she’s finally here. 

She’s my sweet little bunny!