How children change your relationship  

Before baby 

When you first met your partner, did you think they would be a good parent? How about how they would be as a partner when they became a parent? I can tell you right now, that could end up being someone totally different. 

We have to basically learn how to be a parent as we go, but we also have to learn how to be a partner. When you meet someone and fall in love, you hardly have to work hard at fulfilling each other’s needs. You want to be there, just to be with them, have experiences with them, go for drives with them, have meals with them, stay up late with them and wake up next to them. No one can keep you from that life decision to share your lives together, and you just know you will make it work with whatever you both bring to the table. 

It’s just you two against the world. 

So what happens when you suddenly get pregnant and have to think about all the things that are going to change? Suddenly that basement apartment isn’t going to be big enough, your jobs aren’t going to pay enough, your time together in the evenings are not going to last much longer. 

Enter baby

Your beautiful baby comes, and your both excited and share the joy in this little person you made. You have no clue what you’re doing, except meet your baby’s needs. You try to work together because you’ve always done that, but one of you is having a harder time adjusting than the other, and you both think it’s you. 

Here’s the scenario:

Mama of course is up all night with the baby while Dada has to get his sleep so he can work the next day, to pay for your rent. All you can do is resent each other about that. 

Mama is home all day with the baby trying to do it all, Dada is at work all day, trying to do his best while thinking about you and the baby, worrying about how you’re coping and worrying about how you will both survive. He finally gets to come home from a stressful day, but home isn’t what it used to be. It’s not a Haven anymore, it’s not a place to kick back anymore. Mama is crying, baby is crying, and all Dada wanted to do is look after himself. He is passed the baby while Mama tries to cook dinner. Mama think it’s Dada’s turn with the baby while she takes a much needed break. 

So who does more around here?

The ugly truth behind becoming a parent is that we both have a brand new mental work load to carry and neither of us are able to be sympathetic towards the other. Ok, maybe not for everyone, but for us it was. We are both equally drained, stressed, worried, resentful. You start to resent HIM for getting to leave the house, be alone in the car for a given amount of time, talk to adults all day, and not have to change or feed a baby, while getting a full nights sleep. 

Yes, most mamas have to struggle at bedtime, be up with the baby all night, stay home with the baby, sacrifice ourselves, our bodies, our careers, our social life, everything. What does he lose? What does he even do around here? I never just stopped to think about what he was going through. I was too busy hating our separate roles.

Stop

Just stop. Take a break. Take a breath!

Have you ever thought to ask your partner how they are coping, or feeling about parenthood, or how they now feel about you? A lot of the time, we don’t. We just call it like we see it. We don’t see their side, we only see what we want to see. 

You may do everything during the day. Cooking and cleaning, feeding and wiping, squeezing in a few minutes to shower or go pee, our minds are always racing to manage our time so that we aren’t late for things, everyone is clean and fed and … it’s a lot mama! But it really does help to take a step back, and think about how your partner is doing. He works hard all day and then has to come home and help you. That’s a lot for him too. Babies don’t allow anyone to have a break. This is what is keeping you both from being the people you used to know, being the partners you used to be. The word partners doesn’t feel real anymore because you both feel like you’re alone. Working toward something. You used to communicate and now you shut down and forget how to do things as a team. 

Remember you were partners first

Remember when you used to talk and laugh and do things for each other? Remember that person your partner used to be? He’s still there! That’s still him! Becoming a parent changes you and your roles but you are going to forget that you were partners first. You both started this whole family. Your love created it. So why is that love so hard to get back? 

Because our lives have been flooded with baby things, it’s hard to keep any bit of room for someone in your house that can virtually care for themselves. 

But let’s face it, we need each other. Raising your children together means you work together, and you both have to fill each other’s cups. I know it feels like “no one is going to look after me so I have to use any little time I have to look out for me”, and of course you should! But taking even 5 minutes to soak up each other in an embrace or chat about something funny, or kiss for no reason. You need to remind him that you still love him, and need him, and want him around.  He does his best to do the same, you just didn’t notice. I can say that for me, I brush him off a lot because I feel touched out or overwhelmed. That mommy load never goes away but relationships can suffer, so I know I have to keep reminding myself that he needs me too. 

What can you do?

It never hurts to just speak up. If you feel like you and your partner are not connecting anymore, you have to communicate. Anytime you are both present. Make the effort. Plan something together, share something that made you happy that day, start a new TV show together, or just get out together. 

Something small becomes meaningful and goes a long way.